Sanders Cites Obscure Revolutionary Era Protocol to Challenge Mitch McConnell to an Actual Duel in Order to Progress a Vote on Stimulus Payments

Twitter User @90sWWE: “It’s Bernie with a Steel Chair”

In what can only be called a bizarre turn of events, two-time presidential hopeful and senator from Vermont, Bernard Sanders has challenged senate majority leader Mitch McConnell to an actual duel. Citing an obscure clause of parliamentary procedure, Sanders has challenged Mitch McConnell to a real life duel. Yes you read that correctly, the 2020 congressional year will conclude with a knock down, drag out fight between two United States Senators, both pushing 80 years old. Bernie Sanders used an obscure Revolutionary Era congressional protocol to halt all action on the Senate floor and formally initiate a duel with Mitch McConnell in order to progress a vote on direct stimulus payments. If Sanders is successful, legislation that would send $2000 cash payments to American citizens will be put to a vote on the floor of the United States Senate as soon as late this Thursday afternoon.

The oft over looked piece of procedure dates back to the Revolutionary Era and is responsible for the deaths of only five senators over the years. Although, if successful Senator Sanders may add one more name to that list. It does forbid pistols, but whether other weapons are permitted is largely open to interpretation. During 2 of the 5 previous duels ending in fatality, the opponent was struck down by an iron chimney poker to the “arsehole,” according to firsthand accounts. While there’s been conjecture from many politicians on both sides of the aisle regarding whether these centuries old mechanisms governing the operation of our congressional bodies prevents effective and efficient legislation, fortunately for 2020’s grand finale neither side has conceded to doing away with them in their entirety.

Realistically, it’s unlikely the original intention of the legislation was to afford senators a means to battle to the death, but on rare occasion, this has been exactly the outcome. Luckily, for the American people, who have resoundingly affirmed that a one time $600 relief check does little to help with outstanding debt, maintaining food security, or preventing eviction, Mitch McConnell has effectively been forced to accept the duel gauntlet or risk besmirching his reputation as a staunch Originalist. The potential for allowing the Democrats a massive messaging win just before the conclusion of the Georgia runoff election, which will determine control of the Senate for the next two years, is far too great for McConnel not to oblige the duel request.

The duel will commence at 10am EST on Thursday, December 31st in the Rose Garden. It is currently unclear if any of the Trump family will be in attendance. It will be broadcast on ABC, NBC, BET, and CSPAN. Although the exact details are still unfolding, it is rumored that wrestling legend Jerry “The King” Lawler will provide blow by blow commentary alongside CNN’s Anderson Cooper.

Bernard, Bernie, “The Bern,” Sanders has vowed to “knock that sack of slimy potatoes straight into next week.Before Senator Sanders went on to vividly describe his strategy for eviscerating his opponent, he swore that his actions were what the American people would want.

“For too long the American people have been beholden to Mitch McConnell’s Anti-American Agenda. America was not founded by billionaires and oligarchs. It was founded by revolutionaries. Propped up on the backs of the working class. Strengthened by farmers, and factory workers, mothers and fathers, and each and every average, working class American. All of them in search of their own version of the American dream. For too long we have asked our fellow Americans to take the brunt of the financial burden resulting from President Trump’s mismanagement of this global pandemic. It is outrageous that at a time when Jeff Bezos and his billionaire buddies enrich their wealth tenfold, and Senators Perdue and Loeffler line their pockets with sensitive insider information, that my Republican colleagues are more interested in ensuring tax write offs for 3 martini lunches than they are helping the American people, and I intend to remind Mitch McConnell of that tomorrow afternoon, when I trash his candy ass. I intend to provide the kind of ass whooping that working class American people have begged of Congress for the last two decades. And I wouldn’t be surprised if the Senate finally advanced legislation on Medicare for All after that jabroni Mitch McConnell finishes picking his teeth up off the ground!”

Mitch McConnell’s office has insisted he is unavailable for comment. Although several reliable sources close to the matter have said McConnell is reportedly “shaking in his boots,” and that he has attempted to reach Sanders in order to “call this whole damn thing off” several times. He was, allegedly, spotted briefly Wednesday evening, discarding crust from his complimentary bread basket at the Capitol’s Olive Garden in the direction of a group of protestors who were begging that he increase the relief package. Some protestors have stated that McConnell reportedly actually said the words, “let them eat reasonably priced bread crumbs.” However, that remains to be substantiated.

Disclaimer: It shouldn’t need to be said, but everything in this article is an absolute farce and/or satire.

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Aaron Locke Londraville

Aaron Locke Londraville is a lover of books, sci-fi, theatre, film, and politics. He’s got everything nerds need to figure out how to vote or what to watch.