Gohmert Calls for Violence in the Streets, Republicans Answer with a 3-Ringed Spectacle
After another failed day in court, Rep. Louie Gohmert, R-Texas, has called for Americans to take to the streets and incite violence. The lawsuit in question was intended to grant Vice President Pence the power to overturn the 2020 Presidential Results. Gohmert told reporters shortly after the case’s dismissal that, “You better believe the commies would be rioting in the street, were the shoe on the other foot, and that’s where we’re gonna meet them!” Many have expressed concern that Gohmert is actively stoking flames to agitate members of far right groups with a history of violence, like the Proud Boys, who are expected to be in heavy attendance at the upcoming Jan 6 protest. Although so far it would appear the only people taking Gohmert’s advice are Republican lawmakers, several of which have already been spotted in D.C. looting, protesting, and in true Republican fashion, doing a lot of weird shit in an attempt to prove a metaphorical and asinine point.
Ted Cruz was seen shouting nonsense, slant rhymes at pedestrians. He took to Twitter later and claimed he had spent the day “owning libs at rap battles on the street. #democracyinaction.” A word of advice in case the Junior Senator is reading this: You can’t rhyme “objection” with “far fetched win.” Although treason and prison, sedition and ambition, or unpatriotic and psychotic are all acceptable. Don’t beat yourself up too much, Mr. Senator; it’s hard to find a rhyme for bootlicking traitor. We get it.
A leotard-clad Jim Jordan took to the streets as well. Although, he says he came to wrestle the American Electorate into submission, he basically spent all day fighting small children. The media stunt ended when a downtrodden tween leaped up and clobbered Representative Jordan with a steel chair before locking in the dreaded double reverse sleeper hold. Jordan is being treated at Walter Reed, and his recovery is reportedly going well.
Senator Josh Hawley of MO was also in attendance, although he swore his fight would be one of words, and that he’d be “taking the high road.” Hawley opened by placing his beloved high school second place debate trophy on the line for anyone who dare challenge him. The topic? Traitorous Electoral Fraud. Many worried Hawley had a clear advantage, given his intimate knowledge of the matter. However, his opponent garnered quite a bit of applause when she asked how the presidential results could be in debate but not the senatorial if they were on the same ballot. When the ensuing crowd began to favor his opponent, Hawley took matters into his own hands by slapping a microphone away from her. He then shouted “point of order, move to censure the speaker,” grabbed his runner up trophy, and ran into the setting sun. We can only hope where ever he is, he finds the strength, determination, and willpower to never return so we never have to listen to him talk again.
In a bizarre turn of events, Rep. Dan Crenshaw was spotted doing amateur sleight of hand and other various magic tricks in downtown D.C. He sawed a woman in two, made some foam balls “disappear,” and pulled a rabbit from a hat. When asked what point he was trying to make about the election, Crenshaw responded, “Wait was that today?!” Fortunately, we’re told, like so many of Representative Crenshaw’s theatrics, his campaign funded the whole cringey affair.
Among the Senators abstaining from this circus-grade political stunt were Senator Mitt Romney and Senator Susan Collins. Romney gave a statement condemning the Republican Party and how far it has fallen, before asking reporters for donations for his 2024 presidential campaign. Collins made a similar statement, although rumor has it that she coached Jordan, loaned her rhyming dictionary to Cruz, and was even Crenshaw’s masked assistant, essentially proving that she is willing to say whatever keeps her in office, provided she is still afforded the opportunity to aid and abed her robber baron colleagues behind the scenes.
While today’s loss marks a major milestone in Trump’s failed attempt to overturn the election, we have likely not seen the last of Trump’s various court battles. Although few things come to mind that would rival Jim Jordan catching a chair to the back of the head in level of absurdity, Trump’s attempted coup is perhaps the greatest show on Earth. It’s a circus in its own right, complete with a never ending lineup of clowns, the loud mouth ringleader, and elephants shitting under the Big Top… Don’t worry it’s a metaphorical shit, except for Cruz; he dookied on the streets of D.C. both verbally and physically. Some Democrats have speculated that the whole affair acts as some sort of “loyalty test” or that it may be meant to distract the American public from something far more nefarious happening in the background. Regardless of the motives, it feels safe to say, with only 15 days left before the inauguration, the most absurd is almost definitely yet to come.
Disclaimer: It shouldn’t need to be said, but everything in this article is an absolute farce and/or satire.