Melania to Step Down as First Lady Days Before Biden Inauguration

Melania Trump has announced today that she will be stepping down as First Lady of the United States just days before Joe Biden’s inauguration. This marks the fourth member of Trump’s cabinet to resign in the short time since a violent pro-Trump mob attempted to seize the Capitol. Although Melania insists that her decision was motivated purely by a sense of moral crisis, critics are speculating that the timing is a little convenient.

Melania gave a brief statement to the White House Press Corps this afternoon in the Melania Trump Freedom Botanical Menagerie, formerly known as the Kennedy Rose Garden.

“It’s a hard time. And everyone’s feeling it in different ways. Believe me I get that. But I am here tonight, because I love this country with all my heart. And it pains me to see so many people hurting. I am one of a handful of people living today who has seen first the immense weight and awesome power of the presidency. And let me once again tell you this. The job is hard. A president’s words have the power to start wars or broker peace. They can summon our better angels or awaken our worse instincts. As I’ve said before, being president doesn’t change who you are, it reveals who you are. I am tremendously proud of the many accomplishments we were able to achieve together for our country and I will never forget the commitment my husband has for this Department and the United States of America. It has been an honor to serve the country in the Whitehouse. I am very proud to have been a part of the mission to help children everywhere.”

CNN’s Jake Tapper asked, “Wait, so Melania, do I understand correctly? Are you saying that you do believe your husband’s words incited the violence we saw at the Capitol.” To which she replied, “No. Words are largely meaningless. That wasn’t his fault.”

The immediate contradiction was, although confusing, hardly a surprise given what we’ve come to expect from this administration. It has since been revealed that Melania’s speech primarily mashed together former FLOTUS Michelle Obama’s 2020 DNC remarks with statements from other cabinet members who had already resigned and added a dash of plagiarism from her own Chief of Staff, who had resigned via tweet just days before.

During the very brief Q&A session that followed, CNN correspondent Kaitlan Collins went on to ask the now former First Lady, “But why now?”

MELANIA: “Because I deeply believe that the violence we have seen demands action, and in my own heart I can simply no longer go on.”

COLLINS: “Right, but there’s only 3 days left. Melania don’t you think that stepping away from the spotlight just three days before the end of your time in office is a little ceremonial? What would you say to those who think it hardly absolves you of the years you’ve spent complicit to your husband’s actions?”

MELANIA: “I think that I have cemented a legacy of helping children during my time in office. That I am extremely proud of what my husband and I have accomplished. And that those fatty flabby youths of America owe me one.”

The divorce is expected to be expedient. Due to a very explicit prenuptial agreement, Melania stands to acquire a small fortune, Trump Tower, as well as half of all merchandising rights to any and all Trump 2020 presidential memorabilia.

She reportedly plans to live out her days on Bled Island, a part of her nation of origin, Slovenia. There she will begin renovations on the historically significant Church of the Mother of God, which she has purchased and plans to make her primary residence. It is reported from a source close to the matter that the drafted renovation plans come with a $100M price tag and will include a 300 foot extension of the primary dock to accommodate her newly acquired Trump Yacht, encasing the centuries old bell tower in gold leaf that will be hand-painted black, and installing a state of the art Olympic-grade pool and spa over the graves of 124 pre-eleventh century graves.

Melania’s resignation has sent shockwaves through the White House. President Trump is reportedly, “Moping around more so than even last week.” It’s hard not to draw similarities between her resignation and the others who have departed, especially when she has literally plagiarized their farewells. While like every other cabinet member to resign thus far, her stepping down this late into the president’s final term does absolutely nothing to change the hateful rhetoric she has aided and abetted and the country which has been all but left to shambles by this disastrous presidency, it certainly sends a strong metaphorical message: Melania Trump no longer endorses the hateful rhetoric of our president, at least when she can no longer profit personally and financially from doing so.

Disclaimer: It shouldn’t need to be said, but everything in this article is an absolute farce and/or satire.

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Aaron Locke Londraville

Aaron Locke Londraville

Aaron Locke Londraville is a lover of books, sci-fi, theatre, film, and politics. He’s got everything nerds need to figure out how to vote or what to watch.