Missouri Senator Josh Hawley to Declare the San Francisco 49ers the True Winners of Superbowl LIV Despite Constituents’ Objections

AP photo by J. Scott Applewhite

Joshua Hawley, United States Junior Senator to Missouri, announced today that effective immediately he will be rescinding the Kansas City Chiefs’ status as reigning Super Bowl Champions. While the bold move has earned Hawley no love in his home state, it has placed him front and center on the National Political Stage, leaving some to question his motives.

The Vince Lombardi Trophy is expected to be removed from City Hall on Wednesday January 6th, at which point it will be escorted to San Francisco by a detail of armed guards. It has been confirmed that Tiffany and Co. CEO and spokesperson Alessandro Bogliolo will be a member of the escort team, during which time he will forcibly remove Patrick Mahomes’ name as well as the names of all 2019 Chiefs players from the trophy. He will then engrave the names of the San Francisco 49er’s roster in their place. Once arriving in San Fran, the trophy is expected to be kept under lock and key at an undisclosed location.

The decision has left many Kansas City residents understandably heartbroken and questions abound regarding why Hawley has chosen now, a full year later, to challenge the resounding results of Superbowl LIV. Many have asserted that this move may be nothing more than political grandstanding in hopes of launching a 2024 presidential bid. Courting the failed Superbowl Sports Team Vote has been a tried and true method of gaining political currency since the conception of the game, hence the age old political expression, crazed fanatics always win: most people aren’t willing to drunkenly fight in the parking lot over politics. Others have speculated that Hawley is lashing out in response to displaced anger from his personal life.

Hawley, one of America’s youngest Senators at 40 years old, was recently evicted from his parents’ basement. When asked why she chose now to kick Hawley out, his mother responded that he was “bogarting the slaw” as well as that she was tired of “washing shit stains from his tighty whiteys every other day,” and that it was time for Senator Hawley to learn to clean up his own messes.

Patrick Mahomes has gone on the record as saying, “You hate to see it go down like this. At the end of the day it’s about who played a better game, and the only way to know that is to look at the scoreboard. I wish that clown Hawley would just look at the dang scoreboard!”

Photo Credit: KC Confidential

Round the clock protests began at the Crown Plaza City Center in Downtown KC shortly after the announcement. Many of the protestors have been heard saying things such as, “why now,” “don’t let the losers win,” “Hawley doesn’t speak for us,” and even chanting “you don’t even live here dickhead” as well as other similar sentiments.

An unnamed but trusted source from Hawley’s office has affirmed that they are fielding incoming calls, emails, and letters on behalf of Senator Hawley relentlessly. They have assured Kansas City residents that if their call fails to make through to staffers, that the appropriate protocol is to “probably just give up and quit bothering us.” Fortunately, staffers went on to put our minds to ease, “Rest assured, Hawley will do what he thinks is best, regardless of your phone calls.”

On Monday evening a massive, ten thousand person strong candlelight vigil was held at Arrowhead Stadium. The event’s organizers have been harshly criticized for failing to follow the strict Covid-19 protocols, but they have gone on record as saying although it was a regrettable choice, they ask that these “cyber bullies” allow their city a moment, in all this chaos, to “grieve the loss of a lifetime.” Despite this outpouring of derision for the decision and overwhelming evidence that the Chiefs are in fact the Superbowl LIV Champions, at a recent news conference, Hawley told the American people that he was only looking out for the interests of his constituents.

Senator Hawley went on to say that he would gladly place his high school regional debate 2nd place title on the line against anyone who dare challenge him on this issue. He also briefly arm wrestled and participated in several spittin’ contests before leaving the briefing room, all of which, unfortunately, he declared himself the winner of after shouting various nonsensical legal objections and points of order and despite being the clear loser by all conventional standards.

Many are asking, even if he is planning a presidential bid, why would Hawley go so far to court the votes of losers like the San Francisco 49ers? Sadly, despite numerous attempts to ask Hawley just that, he has refused to field this question. It seems the American people will be left with more of the same political jockeying that they have been forced to endure over the years.

Still some of us die-hard Chief fans, namely this reporter in particular, remain vigilante in the fight to stand up against Hawley’s clear attempt at undermining the Superbowl LIV results and in doing so, the very sanctity of our Democracy. If you find yourselves suffering in silence, dear Chief fans, perhaps you may take comfort in one final thought. We are doing everything we can to see justice affirmed, our beloved Chiefs Status as Superbowl Champions reinstated, and Senator Hawley charged with any pertinent crimes. Go Chiefs.

Disclaimer: It shouldn’t need to be said, but everything in this article is an absolute farce and/or satire.

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Aaron Locke Londraville

Aaron Locke Londraville

Aaron Locke Londraville is a lover of books, sci-fi, theatre, film, and politics. He’s got everything nerds need to figure out how to vote or what to watch.