Steve Harvey Inadvertently Sends America into Nose Dive after Mistakenly Naming Donald Trump the Winner of the 2020 Election

John Locher/AP Photo

The New Year began this week with riots in the United States, as actor, comedian, musician, and national treasure Steve Harvey mistakenly declared Donald Trump the winner of the 2020 Presidential Election. During what producers insist was intended to be a “cute bit” as a part of the nationally beloved Dick Clark’s A New Year’s Rockin’ Eve program and in between performances by Billy Porter/Cyndi Lauper and headliner Jenifer Lopez, Harvey was tasked with cheekily recreating his now infamous 2015 Miss Universe Faux Pas. Unfortunately for Harvey, Joe Biden, The Democratic Party, and the entirety of America, in an unforeseeable twist, Harvey recreated it all too well.

It all started when host, Ryan Seacrest, introduced the sequence by calling Harvey onto stage.

“Now, I know there’s been a lot of hard feelings and debate this holiday season about politics.”

Seacrest stated.

“I think it’s only fair that we put this whole thing to bed once and for all right here tonight and kickoff 2021 the right way. I can’t think of any better way to do that then by inviting my good friend onstage to certify the election results for all of America tonight. Will you come on out here, Steve?”

Seacrest has since told reporters that it was supposed to be a redemption moment for Harvey and that “all of us just wanted to see the guy in the spotlight again for the right reason.”

As Harvey took to the stage, he casually joked with the crowd and viewers at home.

“Now, I know some of you don’t think I can do this. I get it. But you know what, I’m going into 2021 with a clear conscious. I’m shaking off all of the hate, and I hope you can too. I know I’m gonna get this one right!”

At which point Harvey opened the envelope and unwittingly announced Trump’s victory. As the confetti cannons erupted, and the Steve Harvey Dancers took to the stage in their platform shoes and sequined tops, Harvey briefly joined them in a very intricately choregraphed and energetic dance routine to the chorus of Tina Turner’s Rolling Down the River. It wasn’t until moments later that the realization set in.

The gravity of the situation was visible, as sweat streamed down Harvey’s face. It had happened again. Steve Harvey had called the name of the runner up, Donald J. Trump, instead of the legitimate winner, President-Elect Joseph Biden. Harvey, unable to contain himself, fled the stage, leaving the Steve Harvey Dancers to do death-drop splits without their titular leader.

Within minutes, US Senator Joshua Hawley took to Twitter, praising Steve Harvey’s “Courage and Conviction.” Hawley has been very critical of the election results, even going so far as claiming he will utilize the full power of his position as United States Junior Senator to delay their certification.

Hawley has also asked that any news coverage regarding him also mention that he is currently still looking for a room to rent after his recent eviction from his parents’ basement. We’re told he would like something clean and tidy, with a detached garage, a view of the D.C. skyline and preferably well outside the Missouri State limits.

The riots began nearly instantly. There were numerous reports of altercations in Time Square that evening. A red-hatted man knocking a Latina grandmother to the ground, leaving her grandchildren in tears. Two 20-something year old men bashing each other over the head with improvised tea-related weapons and wrapping garland around each other’s throats. There were at least a dozen reports from ERs around the city of plastic 2021 sunglasses being removed from various anuses. As the ball finally descended, it was bedlam in Times Square.

In the days to follow, the American people have proven to be more divided than ever before. Bumper stickers reading, “Survey Says: Trump’s Your President” can be seen checkering highways across America. Despite the electoral college affirming Biden’s victory, Trump supporters all over the country are vocally and loudly insisting Harvey’s word is final.

One Trump supporter told us, “I dont care if he’s just one guy. I don’t care if that envelope was made in a prop department. Steve Harvey has spoken. Donald Trump’s your president! Get over it!”

Gladys, who we met on the streets of rural Williamston PA insists, “Steve Harvey is America’s sweet heart. Of course America is going to listen to Steve Harvey. What else would we do, let that lying thieving Biden steal the election?”

Our team encountered several protestors in Oregon echoing seemingly violent sentiments as well.

Protester: Well they better listen to the feller! If they know what’s good for them, they’ll listen!

Reporter: What exactly do you mean by that?

Protester: It means it don’t matter if Biden tries to get in there. Even if he does, too many us conservatives will exercise our Second Amendment Right against a corrupt government. We’re not gonna let sleepy Joe take away our freedoms and amendments.

Although Harvey has tweeted several apologies regarding the matter, they have done little to quell the civil unrest seen in America today. Despite Harvey’s steadfast response, the American political system, as well as the country as a whole, finds itself yet again plunged into chaos.

While Trump Supporters continue to insist these results are final, many Americans are left asking, how does one man, whose sole purpose was to read a piece of paper aloud, have any say in who the next president of the country will be? Like most elements of American political procedure, Trump supporters have seemingly decided they don’t care how it works, just that it works in their favor.

Disclaimer: It shouldn’t need to be said, but everything in this article is an absolute farce and/or satire.

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Aaron Locke Londraville is a lover of books, sci-fi, theatre, film, and politics. He’s got everything nerds need to figure out how to vote or what to watch.

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Aaron Locke Londraville

Aaron Locke Londraville

Aaron Locke Londraville is a lover of books, sci-fi, theatre, film, and politics. He’s got everything nerds need to figure out how to vote or what to watch.

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